Why I Don’t Play the Lottery…

I bet you’re thinking that there’s going to be some drug content here.  You’re wrong!  Sick sexual fetish stuff?  Strike two!  A ridiculous amount of tropical vacations?  Sorry folks, we’re playing baseball rules and in the words of the great Kenny Powers, “You’re fuckin’ out!”

The real reason?  Wrecked vehicles.  I’m flat broke most of the time, work as many hours as I physically can, and I still somehow manage to accumulate ridiculous and expensive projects.  The tornado is forever changing, the Money $hot is sitting stagnant waiting for primer, and I still have that Austin Healey Bugeye waiting to be American-ized.  There’s a pair of ’60 Pontiacs, a bunch of Henry steel from the “T” era, and about a half-dozen pre-1967 Chevy pickups.  And I wonder why I’m broke…

“I’ll tell ya what I’d do, man.  Two chicks at the same time, man”.

That quote is from Lawrence, the dude next door in the movie Office Space.  It’s what he’d do if he had a million dollars.  Not a bad idea, but not near complicated enough for me.  What would I do?  I’d put a small block Chevy in a Ferrari.  It would have to be a red Testarossa with a tan interior from the late eighties.  Don’t get me wrong, it’d be the right small block.  I’m thinking something with bigger cubes based on an aftermarket block.  Aluminum heads, dual-plane hi-rise to save a little torque, and a single, Holley-based, Quickfuel double-pumper up top.  The valve covers would be a nice, tall, cast aluminum design, powdercoated orange to match the engine.  Hey, it’s a Ferrari, it deserves only the best.  Also, the intake would have to have an oil filler tube, as I refuse to carry a funnel in this thing, and I know it’s going to be a pain in the ass to top up…

Then there’s the matter of the exhaust.  Headers are a must, and I’m talking those wild, twisty, turny, knotted ones that only the coolest European race cars have.  Mufflers?  Bottles, obviously.  I’m thinking Purple Hornies.  I want people blocks away to know that someone started a 1985 Chevy half-ton, when really it’s a Ferrari.  Sure,  I could just do a V8 swap and a Ferrari kit on a Fiero, but I’ve got a million bucks!

Now, the big question:  what will I do with the V12?  Who cares.  For starters, Painless don’t make a swap harness for a goofy 4.9L V12.  Sure, part of my million could be spent on getting said harness made, but to what gain?  I’m certainly never going to use it, and do I really want to try and sell a Ferrari engine on Kijiji?  I had enough trouble selling a lawn tractor on there!  Nope, that thing can sit in the driveway, in the back of the 1985 Chevy half-ton that I took my mockup engine out of.  Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to preserve it with what’s left of a blue tarp.  Ever try and buy something out of someone’s driveway that’s not for sale?  Well, I’ll be that guy, only the Ferrari version.

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