Time Flies… Not Unlike Bits of Dry Tire

These pictures are dated 2005, twelve years ago.  They’re so old that a pedophile wouldn’t even look twice at them.  It’s really no wonder that I forgot they ever existed.  It’s also no wonder it took me an hour to find them on an old hard drive, but here they are.  I guess it doesn’t help that everyone involved back when they were taken was drunk…

I don’t have a picture of the truck, and it’s been wrecked for years, so I’ll describe it in all of it’s glory.  It was a 1973 GMC Sierra of some sort.  Obviously, it had mags.  The rear ones were 15×8 chromed-steel Champ 500-ish wheels with holes and rivets, but they were peeling, so we painted them black.  Good description, hey?  The rear tires were big, fat, white-lettered Firestone boots.  Up front, it had stock 1970’s Buick wheels that kind of looked like Magnum 500’s, and low-profile tires.  It was two-tone tan and white, and as rusty as one might expect.  It was deluxe enough that it had trim to separate the colors, and it had 1970’s prismatic stickers on the bedsides that said “350”.  Under the hood was the most glorious thing ever, a “High Torque” 350.  I’m not positive, but I think what “High Torque” meant was that it came with an iron dual-plane intake, shitty heads with big chambers, small runners, small valves, and a tiny camshaft that wouldn’t make power past about 4500rpm.  General Motors were so proud of their substandard performance parts that they even had the audacity to put a “High Torque” sticker on the air cleaner.  I guess “Low Horsepower” or “High Fuel Consumption” aren’t exactly selling features.

Inside, a minty, tan vinyl bench seat was equipped with only lap belts (as was the style of the time) and I think it had either an eight-track player or a CB radio mounted under the dash.  Regardless of what it was, it didn’t work, nor did the in-dash radio.  Rather than listen to the wind whistle through the rotten old weatherstrip, we decided it would be more fun to listen to all that torque.  Armed with one blue glasspack, one red one, and an old swingset for tubing, we built the best dual exhaust system that no money could buy.  I think the big chrome tips were made from an old semi exhaust stack that we cut up, but don’t quote me on that.  How did it sound? Rappy.  Very, very rappy.

With the air cleaner lid flipped, and free-flowing swingset duals, we decided to run it down the quarter-mile via GTECH.  How fast was it?  I’d like to say it ran an eighteen-second quarter…  We were hardly speeding.  The second run started with a big, dirty neutral drop.  Think of it as a poor man’s stall converter.  The result?  About one second slower.  I wonder if the Street Outlaws guys got their start this way?

So what’s with the burnout?  Well, at about 3:00am, people in small towns like to tear the tires off of trucks.  It’s a thing.  This was a solid three-minute burnout.  It started as a greasy one-wheeler, when all of a sudden BANG, it caught posi and jumped sideways.  It was the worst sound ever, and a few days later the twelve-bolt failed on the highway.  It didn’t fail bad, though.  Nothing a stick welder couldn’t fix.  It always caught posi after that.

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