UFO’s: The Original Rods and Kustoms?

I don’t watch a lot of television.  There isn’t a television set in any of the work shops, so my exposure to it is limited to the hours I’m at home and not sleeping.  When I do watch television, however, I like shows about aliens.  Don’t get me wrong, ghost shows are okay, too, but alien shows really go outside the box.  Ancient Aliens and Hangar 1: The UFO Files are two of my favourites.  They both have documentation, real witness accounts, and highly educated  people both dissecting and verifying the evidence.  Pretty cool, right?  Well, the other night they spoke of ancient civilizations and the “Gods”.  The “Gods” were humanoid figures who came down from the “Heavens” on flying chariots, dragons, etc. Could these “Gods” have been aliens?  Could their dragons and chariots have just been customized spacecrafts?  Of course!

Consider this:  These people were not technologically advanced.  They didn’t have internal combustion engines, let alone aircrafts, so they had really no idea what they were looking at.  Also consider the fact that the aliens were highly technologically advanced, obviously capable of travelling from different planets, galaxies, dimensions, etc.  If they can travel that far, I’m sure they can customize a car, right?  They’ve come all this way, and they have no idea whether or not the people of Earth will be hostile or friendly, so they may as well bring out some “Wow” factor.  A chariot?  That’s royalty!  A dragon?  That’s a fire-breathing beast!  Who in their right mind would want to fight that?

Now, the aliens, or “Gods”, were usually described as sharing features with human beings.  Maybe they had a big head, maybe big eyes, but they almost always walked upright, with two arms, and two legs.  They were just like us, and by “us”, I mean hot rodders.  They started with saucers, triangle wedges, pyramids, and cylinders.  Who’s to say that those don’t differ like a deuce roadster to an Impala lowrider, or even to a bitchin’ Camaro?  Most sightings are either in the dark, or in the distance, so who knows how bad ass these things actually are up close?  They’re rumoured to be able to travel at speeds up to twelve-thousand miles per hour, and stop and turn on a dime.  There’s no way they come showroom stock that way.  Think about it, they’ve hopped up their spacecrafts for their upcoming trip.  Who hasn’t done that (with a car, I mean)?  I bet they did it the night before they left, too…

 

Unsolved Mysteries and Ultra Magnus

First off, if you are the creator of this meme and you’re wondering why you’re not getting the credit you deserve, it’s mainly because I’ve seen it appear literally thousands of times, and have seen dozens of different watermarks in the corner…  So yeah, sorry, but I just cannot credit dozens of people, especially blindly and at random.

Okay, now that I’ve got that out of the way, this meme combines three things that I enjoy, the first item on this list being sex jokes.  Words such as “suck” and “blow” aren’t naturally dirty words, but society has become so vile and disgusting, that either of those words turn most people into a giggling puddle like Beavis and Butthead.

Next, we have Transformers.  Hands down my favourite cartoon of all time, so much so that I can even tolerate those goofy Michael Bay films and terminator style “robots”, simply because it pulls on the nostalgic heartstrings just a little bit.  Pictured is Ultra Magnus, who, like Optimus Prime, transformed into a cab-over truck and trailer.  When Prime died in the 1986 movie (spoiler), Ultra Magnus was supposed to become the new leader.  Although the movie was the first appearance of Ultra Magnus, and Prime died only twenty minutes in, I still managed to dislike him.  Is there a professional way of calling someone a turd?  If so, that was Ultra Magnus. He was big, clumsy, expressionless, and was an appointed leader that couldn’t lead.  He managed to fumble the Matrix of Leadership, get blown to pieces, and in the end lost the Matrix to Galvatron…  Brutal!

Finally, we have the third thing that I enjoy.  Remember the show Unsolved Mysteries starring Robert Stack?  Well, he also starred as the voice of Ultra Magnus, and is really my only attachment to that character.  Why do I like this meme?  It’s quite simple:  the hidden humour.  Remember back in the day, downloading the mp3’s of cartoon  off of Napster?  That was funny, but imagine the voice of Robert Stack getting a blowjob while playing the part of an alien robot.  His dick would have to be the size of a British sports car, and probably has an ACME thread on the outside, or a Pioneer quick-coupler on the end of it…  The Unsolved Mysteries guy, swinging that at someone’s mouth.  It’s hilarious!

I know what you’re thinking…  Ultra Magnus is a robot, what pleasure would he get from a blowjob?  My answer:  Who cares?!?!  The pleasure is that of the fans, laughing at their childhood heroes (or in this case, turds) enjoying a little fellatio.  Go ahead, laugh, it’s not illegal…  Yet.